My confused mind.
Met him online started from ‘hey’
I said ‘yo’.
We talked till 3 am. We talked about life and i faked everything. I told him everything, a mistake. He said i was different like every guy says… I knew i wasn’t. He went home, my sister left. For the first time i talked with a guy on phone, embarrassing but felt good. I was rude with him intentionally. And he showed patience and I don’t know why. long Distance made us together close. I realized i was in a relationship. Never been so happy, i saw a smile on my face. So happy even words can’t explain. But… He was upset about my behavior. Daily fights because i was being me and stupid and he didn’t liked that much. He screamed, yelled at me… that killed me every day. You see i used to be a straight forward girl; i never cared about others feelings, isolated and quiet but a fireball.
He was upset and i was too so i decided to change my personality a bit.
Time changed me and i saw myself fade. But hey our flower bloomed… Fights and love too. And then I started to hurt myself. My anger never reached up to tell him i was hurt… helpless mind i took a pin and slit my hand. For some weird reason it felt relaxing. It was like along with the blood my frustration was flowing too.
One fine night… He called and said EVERY possible hurtful things to me even it kicked me in my stomach so hard and the next day i broke up with him… If sorry could heal things i wouldn’t writing this long ass shit.
We patch up again … I shouldn’t do that. We meet, eat talk about things… Kisses and hugs like every couple does. I’m the happiest only when i meet him and after that ‘we’ don’t exist i mean we do but… Where’s the same spark i saw when i met you?
25 Dec 2016
After the day… I felt like I’m the luckiest and special girl…. But only for some days. Good things don’t lasts forever.
When i see the future. I don’t put him there and why? Because it’s never gonna happen.
Now I’m here. Still here.
Uncertain future and a doubtful relationship which i tried to break it 5 times.
So if you’re thinking where’s the part he hurt me?
I broke me. We let people in to break our hearts and call it love.
I’ll blame myself and who else.
Can’t blame people.
We came, we saw, we loved.
And then what happens?
Sure i had a wonderful time with him..
Probably the best thing ever happened.
Of course we loved each other we still do.
But knock knock
But life never stops for anything.
Trust: a filthy word.
When i had nothing when there was no one
You were there. I trusted you, loved you. But i always felt like it was one sided. And i always tried to wash my feeling about this. And at last i realized i was wrong. People around me thinks she was just a friend and maybe she thinks too… but she was my only good friend. I loved her.
Wherever i go she’s there.
Can’t hear one word against her. She was my priority no 1
But do you think everything you do for people they will do the same for you? Except the bad part.
It’s really funny how stupidly innocent I was. Thoughts still make me feel like I’m wrong. But why? Why am i wrong and they’re right?
Okay forget about my thoughts.
I’m the one who’s crazy for friendship and human connection
So … Obviously that doesn’t work.
Yea I’m talking about being friendly.
They say hi. Hi me?
Never preferred new people… So wrong.
I can be happy alone… So wrong.
Using someone for something that doesn’t buy happiness and friendship
And maybe i was buying happiness and friendship. Like a shop owner who loves me because i buy their stuffs, profit man.
What is exactly ‘using’?
I’m not hurt because you hurt me
I’m hurt because i let you fool me.
I’m not writing specifically what she did.
I’m still the same with her… But inside i feel like slapping her and ask her
What did i do to you?
One leads to another… Then boom!!
I’m the real culprit.
If i was careful things wouldn’t end up like that. Overthinking because i was thinking things that doesn’t make sense to other people but me. If you think deeply you’ll see yourself falling into a black hole
Damn… how to stop that?
I ask myself but I can’t.
I call someone to talk and make myself feel better… but maybe they don’t like it
‘You’re thinking too much’ in an annoyed tone.
That makes me so sad that my sadness for them is annoying
To the people I love I can’t even call and talk with them…
I’ve been told to stop thinking… Do you think it’s really fun to overthink? My thoughts are louder than my father’s yelling. Painful than my cuts. Makes me nothing but a clueless loser. I’ve waited for something better… i know this all looks normal to you… But it isn’t what it looks like.