How easily i let people to break my heart.

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Story 1

 

My confused mind.

 

Met him online started from ‘hey’

I said ‘yo’.

We talked till 3 am. We talked about life and i faked everything. I told him everything, a mistake. He said i was different like every guy says… I knew i wasn’t. He went home, my sister left. For the first time i talked with a guy on phone, embarrassing but felt good. I was rude with him intentionally. And he showed patience and I don’t know why. A long Distance made us together close. I realized i was in a relationship. Never been so happy, i saw a smile on my face. So happy even words can’t explain. But… He was upset about my behavior. Daily fights because i was being me and he didn’t liked that much. He screamed, yelled at me… that killed me every day. You see i used to be a straight forward girl; i never cared about others feelings, isolated and quiet but a fireball. He was upset and i was too so i decided to change my personality a bit.

Time changed me and i saw myself fade. But hey our flower bloomed… Fights and love too. And then I started to hurt myself. My anger never reached up to tell him i was hurt… helpless mind i took a pin and slit my hand. For some weird reason it felt relaxing. It was like along with the blood my frustration was flowing too.

One fine night… He called and said EVERY possible hurtful things to me even it kicked me in my stomach so hard and the next day i broke up with him… If sorry could heal things i wouldn’t writing this long ass shit.

We patch up again … I shouldn’t do that. We meet, eat talk about things… Kisses and hugs like every couple does. I’m the happiest only when i meet him and after that ‘we’ don’t exist i mean we do but… Where’s the same spark i saw when i met you?

25 Dec 2016

Best day.

After the day… I felt like I’m the luckiest and special girl…. But only for some days. Good things don’t lasts forever.

When i see the future. I don’t put him there and why? Because it’s never gonna happen.

Now I’m here. Still here.

Uncertain future and a doubtful relationship where i tried to break it 5 times.

So if you’re thinking where’s the part he hurt me?

I broke me. We let people in to break our hearts and call it love.

I’ll blame myself and who else.

Can’t blame people.

We came, we saw, we loved.

And then what happens?

Sure i had a wonderful time with him..

Probably the best thing ever happened.

Of course we loved each other we still do.

But knock knock

Shit happens.

But life never stops for anything.

 

Story 2

 

Trust: a filthy word.

 

When i had nothing when there was no one

You were there. I trusted you, loved you. But i always felt like it was one sided. And i always tried to wash my feeling about this. And at last i realized i was wrong. People around me things she was just a friend and maybe she thinks too… but she was my only friend. I loved her i still do.

Wherever i go she’s there.

I can’t hear one word against her. Priority no 1

But do you think everything you do for people they will do the same for you? Except the bad part.

It’s really funny how stupidly innocent I was.  Thoughts still make me feel like I’m wrong. But why? Why am i wrong and they’re right?

Okay forget about my thoughts.

I’m the one who’s crazy for friendship and human connection

So … Obviously that doesn’t work.

Yea I’m talking about being friendly.

They say hi. Hi me?

Never preferred new people… So wrong.

I can be happy alone… So wrong.

Using someone for something that doesn’t buy happiness and friendship

And maybe i was buying happiness and friendship. Like a shop owner who loves me because i buy their stuffs, profit man.

What is exactly ‘using’?

I’m not hurt because you hurt me

I’m hurt because i let you fool me.

I’m not writing specifically what she did.

I’m still the same with her… But inside i feel like slapping her and ask her

What did i do to you?

One leads to another… Then boom!!

It explodes.

 

Story 3

 

I’m the real culprit.

 

If i was careful things wouldn’t end up like that. Overthinking because i was thinking things that doesn’t make sense to other people but me. If you think deeply you’ll see yourself falling into a black hole

Damn… how to stop that?

I ask myself but I can’t.

I call someone to talk and make myself feel better… but maybe they don’t like it

‘You’re thinking too much’ in an annoyed tone.

That makes me so sad that my sadness for them is annoying

To the people I love I can’t even call and talk with them…

 

I’ve been told to stop thinking… Do you think it’s really fun to overthink? My thoughts are louder than my father’s yelling. Painful than my cuts. Makes me nothing but a clueless loser. I’ve waited for something better… i know this all looks normal to you… But it isn’t what it looks like.

 

 

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How easily i let people to break my heart.

What Happened That Day?

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18th September 2014.

I will never forget this date. She left me and I lost her

She broke up with me for no reason, she was my everything,

But I still can’t remember what exactly happened that day.

 

4’30 am alarm beeps. I woke up and saw no one beside me. It’s been 1 year and I still can’t get used to this, sometimes I see her in the kitchen making breakfast while singing and humming her favorite song ‘hammock by MillionYoung’. I never understood her music taste but now her music playlist in her pink iPod is my daily dose of medicine.

Everything’s done I ate my burned bread and egg, clothes untidy… I don’t really care about these stuffs; I don’t care if someone at my work makes fun of me. ‘Have a cool day babe’ written in a sticky note on the door lock  it’s not the first time I’m looking at it, when I see that note I could feel her goodbye kisses in my face but today is special its 18th September again. On this day my girlfriend left me. No message no fights there is nothing that I can make it as a reason of her leaving. I never know why she left, I tried to contact her family and friends but there are no answers and I got only one question in my head ‘what happened that day?’

 

       At the work.

‘Hey Leo! You look tired. Are you ok?’

‘No I’m good. I need some coffee’ I said with a smile.

I never liked coffee, now while I’m drinking this shit taste coffee I want to throw this coffee outside the window. Now it’s my life saver. Lately I’ve been taking anti depression pills, every once a week I try committing suicide but failing. I have become a person with no goals; it’s really funny how a person can change your life completely, it’s opposite to me when I lost her I lost myself too and there’s no way I could go back again. There’s guilt in me like I have done this, I must have done something that’s why she left. This job is a purpose to live, I could’ve left this job and stayed at my home until I starve and die.

‘Are you coming to Steven’s party today?’

I seriously have no idea what’s happening in this self-centered world, I don’t even know who Steven is.

‘Party… When?’

‘Today at 7 pm at his house. It will be fun. You have to come.’

‘Okay I’ll come’.

‘And today you have to drink you need it mostly, see you there’.

Everybody knows how retarded I have become, and an anti-social pessimist. I’m only going for one reason I don’t want to stay in my house on this day. If she were here things doesn’t happened like that. Sigh~

 

Reached home.

I loosened up my necktie and sat on the sofa, there’s an uncanny silence in the room which was making me sleepy then I felt like someone was touching my hair, I felt like her fingers was on my hair I closed my eyes. I woke up. Saw myself in the same outfit and then I realized I dozed off … it was 6 pm I completely forgot about the party.  I rushed to the bathroom ~

I sat on the bed wearing just a towel staring at the paintings on the wall; her artworks are still hanging on the walls. Sometimes I look at it and start to think and thinking turns to over thinking then i blame myself for everything. Its 7 pm and I was still in a towel, I was looking for a cleaned decent shirt since I don’t wash clothes. I saw my girlfriend’s wardrobe; we both have separate wardrobes she hates to share her space. I never opened her wardrobe maybe I should today… so I opened and I was shocked, her clothes, jewelries everything were still in the wardrobe… she never came back to take it. Why didn’t she came to take her own stuffs… it was weird. Clothes and the other things were messy like someone just put everything together. I was getting late so I left that wardrobe opened, wore a random t-shirt and jeans, took my car keys and then I left.

 

At the party

‘There he is, you’re late man’

‘I know, but I’m here now’.

‘Beer or coke?’

‘I prefer coke’.

A sad man and alcohol what a deadly combination, but honestly I don’t drink.  A face like that nobody will believe me.

‘Are you kidding me? You’re dead inside. You’ll have beer’.

He gave me a can of beer, and I was holding it with no intention to drink.

 

I was invited to a party where I was sitting in the corner like my wife died…

I sat there at the edge… ow wait…I forgot it was the corner.

The dark corner of the colorful party.

The beer tastes like shit, the music sucks.

Then I saw jenny… her best friend.

‘Hey’

‘Heyy hi how you doing it’s been a long time’

‘What you doing here?’

‘I’m Steven’s friend. You work with him right?

‘Yeah’

‘Leo I don’t want to say this but you look really tired. Did you have trouble sleeping last night? I know it’s really hard to forget. Steven told me you have become totally a different person, you’re restless. Leo, get some sleep and move on.

‘I know I look horrible, but it’s really hard to forget her. Her memories haunt me. Especially today’

‘It’s been 1 year Leo. Even her family moved on’

‘What do you mean her family moved on?’

~ And that’s when I knew she was dead

On this date… 18th September

Words can’t explain what I was feeling that time.


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20th September 2015

I’m at the hospital.

I’m checking my emails.

And I realized I never send any mails to her.

I never called her parents.

I wish I never knew that you died…

I miss you Leia.

 

this is my short story, please show some love. ❤

 

 

 

What Happened That Day?

Thorns

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I wasn’t born with thorns
I wasn’t the pretty flower on your lane.
Like a butterfly i flipped my wings,
And a hurricane caused
But you thought it was just a mirage
You placed question marks on my feelings
And i watched you.
I get hurt
And a little part of me shuts off.
Ask me. Don’t shout.
You live in my words
When u leave,
You’re forever in my sheet.
I wasn’t a pretty flower
But you know what i am,
What I’m gonna turn into
If I’m cocky, blow yourself out.
Touch my thorn. Suck your thumb
You think it’s a game
But where’s the instructions?
It comes into my veins with penetration
My eyes blackout
But it’s all my imagination
Tell yourself what you see in the mirror,
You’re cleaner than the mirror.

 

|i’m just an amateur right now, i’m trying to improve my writing skills. i hope everyone like my writings. keep blogging and smiling|

 

Thorns

Inside

 

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Are they all invisible? Or am i?

Am I too quiet to be heard?

How big a pain should be to get noticed?

Don’t blame me if you fall down in my black hole.

It is too deep that you might get to know the real definition of ‘Lost’

I do not make something out of nothing,

I never wanted this.

 What do you think about my ‘Hi’?

Do I sound friendly? Or do I sound tired?

Or when you say ‘I love you’

Does that phrase means ‘I’m not sure’.

You see, everyone here makes a giant out of miniature,

But I was making monsters out of my wires

Those were friendly only when I am lonely.

 

|NOTE| whoever reads my blog , thank you very much. i don’t know who reads it but it feels good to write and post it here on my blog. i know i m not posting as an active blogger. days are getting tough and words hardly gets out, i’m trying to be an active blogger and trying to take part  in my life.  if i ask myself ‘ am i doing good?’ then i’ll say i’m doing awesome. looking at the back i see myself at the corner sitting quietly fighting with black shadows. though i still get anxiety attacks but it doesn’t mean i’m gonna stay still because the thing inside me is more powerful. NO it’s not. you see, life doesn’t stop for anyone it goes and never stops. friends leave, relationship breaks, or  when people call you an attention seeker, I’ve become a queen on ignoring people. to the people out there, i’m a 18-year old girl. not suffering but living and fighting with my darkness. and you can do too. a lot of things helped me to recover and now i’m at 50 more 50 to go.

  1. love of family and friends.
  2. use your hobby: sketching, singing or writing. do what you like to do.
  3. don’t like any depressing page on social media or anxiety triggered videos. i don’t know why they do that i ignored those shits on SNS and i really feel good it sounds funny but it really works. Making a sad depressing video/image and writing out your feelings are really different. 
  4. ask question to yourself.
  5. write when you feel like no ones listening.
  6. never underestimate yourself.
  7.  love yourself ( i know this sounds fucked up, but TRY)

KEEP READING, SPREAD LOVE AND DON’T FORGET TO SMILE. ❤

 

 

Inside

That day

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Wet flowers on the wet road were telling me that today’s clouds are dark so you don’t have to. Today’s clouds are dark and sad so you don’t have to be sad today, see the sky how they’re dark and yet so beautiful. Leave the job of being sad to the cloud because sometimes you gotta leave the negativity and hold the hands of positivity. Don’t be so certain about yourself, you can’t be you every time and don’t try…don’t find yourself I say when you lost yourself completely don’t look for the same previous one, create a new self, discover yourself. If you’re unhappy, if you’re not feeling yourself today let it be don’t ‘try so hard’ to be normal.

       Saw a girl crying today she was that type of girl who used to sing and smile, make everyone laugh but today she was crying and I felt like hugging her and tell her ‘ it’s alright’ people who cries and don’t tell you the reason, it really kills me. When I was a kid I wanted someone to look at me while I cry and soothe me and say ‘it’s alright’. Children only cry when there is someone on their side, when there’s someone to ask you if you’re okay and tell you its okay, when there’s someone to tell you not to cry… that feeling makes you feel good. Maybe many of you think that whatever I wrote here doesn’t make any sense… I think that too but when you think deeply everything starts to make sense and yes thinking things deeply is a mess.

   Everything affects everything, bad or good doesn’t matter. That indie song you like the most is your daily dose of happy pill and that really makes you happy, if not fully happy but that gives you enough peace to relax your head… it doesn’t matter from where you got your peace, keep it… it’s hard to find these days. And a little word you said can hurt badly too which they said it was only a joke for them but like I said everything affects everything the boy who was going give up his life is now alive because someone talked with him, the girl you called a slut as a joke is going to give up her life and again everything can change everything.



			
That day

Fear to takeoff

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We are all burning inside, but the difference is some people chooses to act like they are in the middle of an ocean… they seem okay but they are not. Break that big concrete wall made up by your over thinking and regrets. No one expects heaven in the world of hell; instead of searching heaven find the muchness you’ve lost.

In relation to the Alice/Mad Hatter interaction, the word muchness refers to something within Alice — her heart, her spirit — that she had somehow lost since the first time she had visited Wonderland (taken from positivelypresent)

I remember when I watched the movie Alice in the wonderland; I was a small kid and didn’t much understand some of the words they said in the movie. The word ‘muchness ’I’ve lost that since I was a little girl and I still haven’t found that yet. In our hearts we still have that muchness in us but sometimes it hides itself, when you really think about it, in many ways we have all lost a part of our muchness. Instead of growing happier and excited we are losing ourselves in the pursuit of success, happiness we’ve lost our muchness, our spirit. Like Alice got her muchness back we can too, at least you can try. Revisit the memories you cherish the most, what makes you happy? I’m not saying to force your head to think positive. Thinking only positive will not bring you happiness.

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Nobody’s life made up of gold…. You’re never fully happy, you are never satisfied. Even when you got all the money, you are not satisfied. And sometimes money is not the answer for everything…money will solve 5 problems out of 10. Every person in this world is rare but they are all same. Everyone is holding those insecurities in their hands tightly but still people out there try to touch and burst those insecurities in front of everyone. And why they do that? I have no idea and we shouldn’t give any fuck to them, they demotivate us in the nicest way that it makes us afraid to takeoff. We can’t blame others for what we’re suffering now, you are the one who’s responsible for everything you can blame that boy who didn’t loved you back, who left you hanging clueless, it was his fault but now it is your responsibility to move on, to stop thinking about that and making yourself miserable.

Our fear will take us down; y’all heard about the phrase ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ when you overcome with your fear and when the fear doesn’t kill you that’s where you became stronger. In my case I’m afraid of going out, it adds up thought to thought like such as, ‘I’m afraid of going out because there’s lots of people outside’ and adds questions like, ‘are they all staring at me?’ ‘They think I’m a freak’ ‘am I looking fine?’ What I do is refreshing my thoughts to ‘ so what if they’re looking and probably they are not staring at all there’s hundreds of people they don’t have time to look’ ‘I’m not a freak, I’m looking fine’ and thoughts like that helps me to overcome my fear. Ask question and give answers to yourself. To gain confidence you don’t have to do squads, you don’t have to put makeup; you don’t have to join the coolest group in your school… you are you and you’re the coolest. I won’t write the same old thing ‘be yourself’ shit, but I’ll tell you one thing Fight your obstacles and you will win one day.

Fear to takeoff

The Moment

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When I’m outside

When I see the sky

When I feel the air

When I see the bright stars

When I sync the music to my mind

I felt solitude, I felt peace

Enough peace to die

That moment, I wanted to born again from my mother’s womb,

I wanted to fall in love again

I wanted to forgive myself

I wanted to forget everything in my life

That moment I was high

The moment was high

I wanted to run from all the expectations and pressures

I feel myself when I’m outside

I can be myself
The Moment